Cus you say.

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Sunday, September 18, 2011 @ 9:27 PM | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.

YOU ASK, I'LL ANSWER. http://formspring.me/oeungyeong

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Thursday, September 15, 2011 @ 10:23 PM | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.

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Monday, September 12, 2011 @ 1:19 AM | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.

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Thursday, September 1, 2011 @ 3:05 AM | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.

I dare not trust anyone anymore
I dare not love anyone like how i've used to
I dare not hope

Don't think I could hold it in for long.
It hurts so much till no tears can be able to express how much it hurts..
Now if feels harder, I want to cry out loud.
But no tears at all.

I don't want to be strong anymore..

Can I...?

:'<

I want to break free from all these..

It's been said that you would feel better if you were told the truth.

But both kills, be it Lies or Truth.

Sometimes, I really want to believe all that I've seen weren't true.

Sometimes, I don't know what hurts more.

The truth or the lies..

Sometimes I wonder, Why are we living to die but fighting to live?

...

SOME THINGS ARE EASIER TO BE WRITTEN/TYPED OUT THAN SPOKEN WITH OUR MOUTHS.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 @ 1:42 AM | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.

[It's been months since my last update.
Now this space will be used for me to rant my feelings out.
Won't be updating often.]
Don't read if you find it boring, just a personal space for ranting.

Well, things haven't been going fine at home since Grandpa's death.
Me and that women haven't spoke to each other since then, it's been 6 months.
She never stops giving me problems and being more calculative than ever.
At times, i really wonder where do i get all my patience from.
It's a good thing but somewhat bad in a way.

Sigh~
I really don't understand adults/marriage.
Most people are lovey dovey before marrige and things become the opposite aftermath.
If things really don't go well, divorce is the solution to it.
Then what if they have children?
Do they even spare a thought for them?
MAYBE YES?
But most probably NO, cus they only think about themselves.

Up till this day, I really want to hear the REAL reason for my mom leaving me.
I want to believe that 'MOMS LOVE ARE THE GREATEST AND NOBLE.'
But, I guess I don't have to the reason to believe that.
Not then, not now, maybe not forever?
Even though I've stopped and gave up the idea of looking for her.
I just hope hope hope~ some day, i will be able to see her.
I don't need her to acknowledge the relationship between us, cus we are nothing but more than strangers. Don't know about each other, just wonder. [Perhaps she might even forgot about me]
I may be her burden, so i would just like to see how she's doing from far
and act like strangers.
But i really wonder when will my simple wish come true, just to see her once, I would be very much satisfied and won't ever ask for anything more.

Living under this roof with a women whom i have to call my "mom" is insurmountable.
We see each other everyday, not in good terms, and what's more?
NOT IN GOOD TERMS, don't try to imagine how it's like.
She marks everything down to the point where I can only use my personal utensils.
[Which was kind of lucky, a friend of mine bought for me as birthday gift, now it has become something of use.]
Like everything in the house has labels on it, belongs to whosoever, and whatever she buys, im not allowed to touch/use it.
You may think im bullshitting, but yes, it's like that all along.

Ain't trying to self pity myself, i just thought these happens in dramas but it is happening to me.
What a world.

The food I buy, i can only keep it in my room.
Cus there was once i bought groceries and put them in the kitchen where it's specifcally for the items. It was all taken out and thrown back in the plastic bag and thrown back in my room when i'm out.

There's always a reason why I'm still in here,
1. Dad, because of him, I'll stay.
2. I don't have the money and capability to rent a room now as I'm still schooling.
And still have to rely on my dad in terms of finance/allowances.
Maybe not one but two reason.

Isn't it funny when she randomly bring out something to say, not straight in my face but saying out loud from the living room, and raising her voice so that i could her what she's talking about?
Dang~
Would very much appreciate it if she come right up at my face to say those words.
No fuckin' pussy to say in front of me.

I don't have to be reminded that I don't have a mom to bring me up.
So what?
I have a Dad, a Dad whom acts like a Dad and Mom at the same time.
Single-handedly raised me up.
Of course not forgetting my late grandparents..

I used to feel/think, why am i brought to this Earth.
What's my purpose?
Until now, i don't have a specific one.
But i know, im here for a reason.
There are still many things have yet to be done.
One of them, includes my career.

Used to feel that, money is not everything.
Yes, it's not. But IT IS in another way.

I've been thinking alot these days as I'm grounded at home.
A really good time to reflect.

Seeing how my dad ages day by day really hurts, working hard to earn money and keep this family going.
Yet, i can't do the simplest thing for him, keeping Unity in this family.
...

Sigh~
I tried, tried, tried, tried tried, tried, tried and tried.
Really did tried.
Till it drains out all of me.
I'm tired too..

I wouldn't really show this side of me, most would just see that expressionless or happy smilling face like none of these had ever happened.

But one can tell when I become quieter than usual, smile lesser than usual and temper is abit tensed.

Sometimes in circumstances, I hurt people by my words unknowingly by being too straightforward.
I don't mean it, just that I couldn't express myself right.
Knowing that i shouldn't let personal emotions take control, but it still takes it's toll on me at times.
If I had ever hurt you with my words, I'm sorry.
I know it doesn't help, but just wanna let you know how apologethic i felt after i said some words.
Which i didn't thought how much it would hurt someone.

This is one of my flaw which im trying to correct it.
Give me abit more time, alright? {:

Labels: I don't know what's on your mind, we never really spoke what's in our hearts.

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Tuesday, July 5, 2011 @ 4:10 AM | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.

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I wish I can REMEMBER TO FORGET what I want to FORGET.

@ 1:56 AM | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.

" If I'm given ONE chance, I would ask you to stay.

But I didn't even have THAT chance to request of you. "

I would hug you and say "Please don't go"

On the account of it,

Will you stay or would you leave?

But that's if I'm given a chance..

A SHARED MOMENT..

Sunday, June 26, 2011 @ 2:01 PM | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.

I never knew that a simple meal with just fried fish, light sauce and porridge could taste so so good..

I've never tasted home-cooked food like this for more than a year, or could say 2 years now..

I've never really sat down alone with my dad for a simple meal together like this..

This afternoon, i was asleep in my room and my alarm rang so i snoozed it once again.

My dad was in the living room, he came in, and kissed me at my forehead, I know cus i was already half awake. [which was really really sweet for an unexpressive man like him to express himself like this]

Then he walked out, he asked my maid "You got cook Xin ying's rice?",

my maid answered "No.."

He asked why don't want to cook her rice?

And immediately asked her to cook porridge for me and him.

He then took out my favourite fish and asked her to cook.

I was pretending to sleep when i heard all these conversation.

So after about 20mins or so, i woke up.

Greeted my dad, he asked me to eat with him.

I was like "orh, i go bathe first".

Trying to keep my emotions cool.

He hardly or can say never initiated for a meal together, and when i asked him whether want to eat together or what, he is either working or had already eaten.

After i showered, i asked him, "Got cook my share meh?"

He said, I asked Nova[maid's name] to cook porridge for us with your favourite fish, must eat ah.

I was like "orh.."

Then went to kitchen to distrubute the porridge, but the porridge my maid cooked was just enough for 1 person, which she did it purposely.

I was like "Papa, you see the porridge enough or not?"

He came and looked at the porridge, "never mind lah, i eat abit can already, you eat all."

Felt guilty towards him, thought maybe he hasn't had his lunch then he said he had already eaten, just want to eat abit.

So in the end he took porridge for me, asked me whether do i want to drink soup or what, like those dishes cooked but without my share.

I said no very firmly but he just scooped those ingredients for me but i putted it back.

He then asked,

Dad: Why i take for you, you don't want to eat ah?

Me: This is their meal for dinner, later not enough

Dad: Enough lah, at night they will add on, so don't say anymore, i take for you just eat, i know it's your favourite dishes.

Me: Said nothing but looked at how he took those food for me, i was really touched.

And of course, wonder why he did all these all of a sudden.

Sat down and eat, he plucked fish for me and put into my bowl, seriously at that moment my tears could fall out anytime.

But i tried to hold my tears back and get a hold of myself.

Then i just kept looking at my bowl and ate, i don't know how to describe those feelings.

It's like someone just filled your heart with warmth.

Those barriers or whatever you called just disappeared slowly..

It's because of his small actions like this really touched me alot.

Some might think it's weird, why get so touched over a meal?
All i can say is that, I really hate eating alone.

I hate to eat alone in my room, facing the computer and watching dramas to keep me away.

Cus maybe i'm really lonely when I'm at home.

And especially the person i never expected to be, came and made my meal a very special one..

My dad..

We didn't spoke a word when eating, but all i can say is that my heart is full of gratitute.

I can tell that he's not hungry at all, but sat there and accompanied me, acting like he's eating alot but actually just wants me to eat with him, think he noticed that sometimes i can skip my meals, rather not eat than to go and pack food from outside.

Thanks alot dad,

i love you alot but i couldn't express myself in any other ways.

I know you won't be seeing this, so i expressed how i really feel here.

Labels: i would want to let it stop at that moment.., If time could stop at that moment

A DAY WASTED!

@ 12:30 AM | 0 comment(s) | add a comment.

Went for NDP training thing yesterday.
Seriously, wasted time only.
Miscommunications from the start to the end.
Waited for like3-4 hours then got performers come get their hair done. =.=
Don't even have a picture or what for reference so that we can know what style to do and all.
That totally made me kind of frustrated. Wasted my day like that.

But before heading off to F1 pit building, met Vennie ealier at J8 for breakfast/lunch.
Luckily I asked her to morning call me, she called the first time, i answered and snoozed my alarm and went back to sleep.
Second time, she called me, picked up and snoozed for another 5MINUTES.
And lastly, she kind of spoke louder on the phone[can say yell] and i REALLY woke up!
Cus i asked her to double confirm so call a few more times, this is triple confirm actually.
So yeah, had a delicious meal! yum yum~!

Alright, pictures time!

Me & Vennie!

Turn it around like that.

With Sandy & Vennie!

WE ARE SERIOUSLY DAMN FUCKIN' BORED!

Then headed off to Promenade MRT, we sat there for like some time, deciding where to go.
Hey, do you ever get times when you are so tired but don't wanna go home?
And can't find a nice place to settle down without spending much and can chill at the same time?
[NO FAST FOOD]
Been spending alot with my two girls lately, we are going to thrift more from now on!
This is serious!
Or else, can goodluck to ourselves!

Alright!
Guess that's it for today!
ADIOS!